Giving, loving and living…

…sigh. What would you do if you knew how much time you did not have left on this earth? Would you tell your family? Would your heart overflow with gratitude? Would you be kinder? Would you say “I love you” more? Would you forgive yourself? Would you apologize to those you hurt or wronged? Would still allow fear to paralyze you (emotionally and physically). Would you just give up on life and waste the bit of time you do have left? Would you deliberately wound and hurt (get back at physically, emotionally, and spiritually) those who hurt you knowing you would be gone in time and not have to deal with the rotten, bitter, vile, hateful energy you left in the universe?

A few weeks ago while in New Mexico a dear friend shared with me his heartbreakingly sad news. His father was diagnosed with brain cancer. The doctors shared with the family that he had at best 9-12 months left to live. I was home in New Mexico at the time having had already spent a couple of weeks there to restore balance, take part in ceremony and savour the love and warmth of my family and place. My dear friend took time away from his father’s bedside on Veteran’s day to spend the day with me. I accompanied him on a short road trip as he was to give a Veteran’s day speech in a small community. I look back on that day and I am truly grateful for his time, his willingness to listen, to comfort, to understand and words of wisdom. I appreciate his honesty and perspective and it helped me tremendously. Unfortunately, for him his father slipped away with death the next day. He did not have the 9-12 months the doctors had predicted. There was no more time. Days later I asked him if he was there, with his dad when he slipped away. He shared that he was with him moments before. He said he knew his dad was leaving and he knew what he had to do, so he stepped out of the room. He knew his dad well enough to know that he wanted the time to die alone. I cried.

My mother is the best and the strongest person I know. She is a fighter. She is a survivor. She is my mama. My mother has always been bluntly honest with me when it comes to knowing about the world. She didn’t filter her discussions about love and sex. She told me how different they both are and how easily you can confuse the two. She told me exactly what to expect. She was honest about what I would feel. She was almost completely right about the emotions that came along with it. She was also very honest and open with me about the violence she lived with. She told me about the time she thought she was going to die by his hands. She told me when she decided to leave and never return to that abusive relationship. There are other things she didn’t have to tell me. Through her actions and words I saw first hand how she cared for my grandfather, her father. How he was her everything. I saw first hand her generous heart and kindness when she would take in family who had no place else to go. I saw first hand as I tagged along with her and we would walk to people’s houses and she would sit with them and just listen, listen to them share their stories of their current struggles, pain and grief. Sometimes she would cook them a meal while we were there. She would fry up some potatoes with spam or ground beef and make fresh tortillas. She would tell me to go see if there animals needed water or food. She didn’t have to tell me but I knew I was to be quiet. I knew these visits were not about her or me. I knew that she was GIVING what she had and that was her time.

You’re probably thinking right about now –what is this blog post about? I share the aforementioned because they are both two completely different moments in my life but both have something in common. Time.

I know how much time I don’t have. Because I know, I want every person in my life who has ever had an impact (small or big) to know that I value them and I am truly grateful for them. I want the people in my life to KNOW that they are important, that they matter to me, I care about them and will forever be grateful for them and their time. Through out my life there have been people who have gone out of their way to show me how much they care by gifting me with their time. Some have offered advice, words of encouragement, understanding, patience and simple kindness. Others such as my mama have shared intimate, personal, heartbreaking never told before stories of life to show me that life is good and that people are good. I can still hear her words, “Awéé, you are so good to people. You are good to your sister. You help people and are so trusting. That is how I know you.” Words that have touched me deeply and words that I am so thankful for. My heart melts and I transform into the little chiizi Navajo girl every time my mom calls me, awéé (baby).

Family, friends, co-workers, people I have only had the pleasure of spending a short time with, YOU all have to know you did something for me (in your own unique ways), you touched me and showed me how to be kind. I don’t want to ever be too late and regret not telling you. I am kinder because of YOU. I am full of gratitude because of YOU. I am full of love because of YOU. I tell those I love, “I love you,” everyday because of YOU. There is no fear because I know who I am. I would not and will never, never, never deliberately set out to hurt anyone. If I have I am so sorry. I will and would do all I could to make it right. I truly am grateful for amazingly good-hearted cubs. I am grateful for an amazingly resilient, strong Navajo family. I am truly grateful for my place, the land that heals me. I am grateful for the smiles, words, & warm touches. I will live my life giving, protecting and loving. Giving and protecting the land that has always healed me. Giving, protecting and loving my family, my community, nation (Navajo Nation) and friends. Giving and loving myself.  I have an amazingly beautiful life filled with amazingly beautiful people and places. Thank YOU! Thank YOU! Thank YOU!

I love with all that I am,

-J

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It’s time to begin…

“It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am”

The last couple of days have been filled with an overwhelmingly peaceful sense of forgiveness that I never could have imagined, especially at this current moment in my life. I know now…I know today more than ever that being unforgiving and untrusting is not ever going to be who I am. I love and when I love, I love deeply, it’s just who I am. Rejection, departures, death it all hurts, they are all heartbreaking and cause a tremendous, almost unbearable amount of emotional pain. But they will not keep me from being kind, grateful, forgiving, trusting, and loving – from being who I am. The pain that comes from loving so deeply is helping to make me softer, kinder, more compassionate, more trusting and has led me to honor and value life even more.

In the midst of heartbreak. In the midst of constant journal writing and what seems like a constant state of introspection I can see myself again. The last couple of days I’ve said yes to things and people I normally would have said no to. The fear of being alone, of not being balanced, of not being myself is being flooded by joy & gratitude. I’m kinder to myself. I am loving myself as I should have been all along. My life is moving forward. Life is no longer what happens around me it is happening with me, with my full attention and respect. I am grateful for the goodness in each new day.

It’s time to begin, isn’t it?

– J

Coyote and the stars…

This is just how life works. Time needs to pass. Time needs to pass to set straight the train wreck of emotions. There is no other healthy way to learn from the pain of a cracked heart. In the last few days I’ve learned things about myself. Most notably, when I love, I love deeply and completely. I’ve also learned that there are endless things that are still reliable in my life. Growing up Navajo I’d always heard the story of Coyote, First Man and the placement of the stars. I was told that First Man took great care and patience with building several constellations because he wanted the results of the work to be perfect, forever lighting up the night sky. Coyote watched and eventually grew impatient and gathered all of First Man’s mica and threw them up into the air. They instantly stuck in random bunches. To this day I can count on looking into the night sky and be reminded of the reliable disorder created by Coyote and his impatience. Stars are reliable. There is always a story in the stars. I need to allow myself to be patient, still, and open to all the stories that are out there and in me. I got so caught up in a whirlwind of love and like Coyote was reckless & impatient with that love and it had the potential to be an everlasting disorder. I’ve learned that I cannot count on someone to know me better than I know myself. I lost sight of the fact that they may not always be around. I’ve learned that I am the only one who has power over my life and I have to take the time as First Man did and patiently build the constellations of my heart. With time and patience I can work to make sure that commitment, communication, warmth, goodness, consideration, respect, honesty, sex, intimacy, passion, romance, love and trust will ALWAYS be secure in their proper positions even when surrounded by the complications, randomness, trials, and struggles of life and love. I am learning that with patience and time there is nothing in my life that cannot be renewed, restored, or remade.

With love and deep respect…

– J